A central goal
of parenting is to develop capable people. To do this, parents and other
adults nurture and tutor a child from infancy onward. Parents are our
greatest resource in helping adolescents safely face critical issues
and make positive choices. Each family has its own style, standards,
and culture for doing this. Below are some ways you can help your adolescent
succeed and make positive choices.
Learn about
developmental stages in children.
Understanding these changes can help you keep children's behavior
in perspective. Accept the fact that adolescent physical and emotional
changes are often confusing–to both child and parents.
Encourage
your children.
Build their confidence and self-esteem. Find and recognize the positive
things your children do. Let them know you notice and appreciate them,
and help them feel capable. "I love you just the way you are and respect
you to choose what is right for you."
Listen to
your children.
Make frequent times when you give them your undivided attention to
listen. Accept what they share at their own level. Listen not only
to what they say, but to what they feel.
Help your
children recognize and accept their feelings.
Help them to express feelings readily and constructively–whether happiness,
anger, frustration or whatever they may feel.
Model positive
communication.
Express your emotion, how you feel, what led up
to your feeling and why you feel the way you do. Good communication
includes honesty, respect, clear language, good timing, trust, consistency,
humor and dealing with matters as soon as possible.
Discuss and
practice problem solving with your children.
Show them how you solve a problem. Identify coping skills that your
children currently use and help them learn appropriate responses to
various problem situations. This preparation makes it easier for them
to choose safe, healthy, nonviolent actions later.
Give children
choices.
Use the adolescent drive for independence as the vehicle
for developing responsibility. Give choices with which you are comfortable.
Have your children help make family rules and decide the consequences
when they are broken.
State your
expectations clearly and follow through with them consistently.
Children need to learn limits, standards and consequences–both in
their family and in their community. Develop and articulate family
expectations that include a clear position against illegal alcohol
and other drug use and age-appropriate rules about social situations.
Consistency builds trust and respect.
Let your
child experience natural and logical consequences of misbehavior.
This helps a child learn to be responsible for his or her choices
and accept the consequences of his or her actions. It fosters independence
and confidence.
Set a good
example.
What parents do is very important. When you both tell and show children
how you expect them to behave, you send a far stronger message.
Be honest
about your mistakes.
Don't lie, but don't dwell on the subject
either. For example, if you once used illegal drugs, don't glamorize
your use or give a subtle message that since you survived, use was
OK. Stress that you would not want your child to make the same mistake.
Building
assets promotes positive choices.
Assets are strongly related to behavior choices. As the number of
assets increases in a young person's life, school success and service
to community also increase and multiple forms of high-risk behavior
(alcohol use, tobacco use, illicit drug use, sexual activity, violence
and antisocial behavior, school dropout) decrease. Assets also act
as a cushion that protects how far young people fall when they experience
stress.
Celebrate
positive choices.
Compliment your child's ability to make challenging
decisions. View mistakes as learning opportunities, not problems.
Demonstrate how positive choices are rewarding.
Adapted
from the Michigan Parent Handbook.
Members
of a healthy family tend to:
Deal positively
with other family members–without making them feel put down.
Know that saying
"yes" or "no" to a request will not lead to rejection.
Feel that the
family will remain intact.
Have a strong
awareness of personal capabilities.
Know that they
can express feelings of all kinds.
Trust and feel
trusted by other family members.
Feel important
and needed.
Have a relationship
with each person in the family.
